I have another blog, where I talk about my mental illness. I have talked about it here, before, but I don't dwell on it here because there is no reason to. However, I am cross-posting this because it is a GREAT entry and it ties into Origami Owl's way of loving people and telling your story. So, get to know me a little better, here...
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Everyone who has a mental illness KNOWS that it's not fair. Heck, life isn't fair. Things happen beyond your control and you just have to sit in it and learn to live. How do I cope? Well... My body is made up of and held together by pure will and caffeine. Yep. 7/10 caffeine. That's why I drink so much coffee. I have to keep my levels up!
I just sit and look at it from other people's point of view and, if you don't have the "pleasure" of NOT seeing me on a bad day, (which I only show to those I truly love...) then I look like I am fine. You see me glaring at you because Sheila is near, smiling at you because Victoria is near, either smirking or staring at you, defiantly, if Jenna is there. Sasha is hard to spot, but she comes out when she feels safe and can be silly or has to protect the rest of us. And Jessie doesn't come out much because she hardly ever feels safe OR scared. She's shy and quiet. And then, there's me, at the heart of it all, standing there with a stupid look on my face because I have no idea how I feel.
I have lived on instinct my ENTIRE life. I do what I need to do to survive and that's that. I do not know HOW to be truly happy. It's sad, but I'm honestly happiest when I am alone. There's not so much pressure there. I can do what I want and be who I am without anybody thinking ANYTHING. I don't have to worry about hurting someone if there is nobody there to hurt, but myself. And, I can take it. I've been through the Seven Rings of Hell and I can handle anything life throws at me.
But, you start adding other people into the mix and, there goes everything. I never want to hurt another person. That is NOT how I do. But, it is how I have done. I know that. I have heard stories about myself that make my skin crawl. I have had blatant disrespect, at the very least, for other humans and that is SAD. But, know I did what I thought was right, in those situations, at the time.
Sometimes, I just wish God would take me out of this world. You see, I don't want to die. I just want to be dead. It seems like the easiest solution to a hard and fast problem. The only way, though, is if God were to take me out, Himself. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed for God to take me and that I was ready to go because this life is more than anyone should have to carry. I have found myself on many a floor, red and out of breath from all of the sobbing, wishing I would just leave this place.
After so many years, I know God has a plan. He must. It's not like I'm just floating around, accomplishing nothing. I must be here for a reason, right? Because, it seems to me that God wouldn't put me through all of this just to watch me squirm. He wouldn't just leave me down here to fall and be brutally hurt so many times, just to see me reach out for death. Yet, that is exactly what I have gotten from His "church". It's sad, really. The Bible tells us to LOVE. You will know Jesus's followers by their "judgement"? Nope. LOVE. You will know them by their LOVE.
Do you know how many times I reached out for love and got smacked down by a "Pastor"? One even threatened to rape me, as I was baring my soul to my friends. I was at my most vulnerable and he attacked. How do I deal with that? Well, I can tell you. I stopped going to church. It was the best decision I ever made. I started hanging out with the people who have been hurt, embarrassed, beaten down and harassed. That is where your true love lies, because these people know what it's like to be hurt, so they know compassion. They know how to truly love, though many of them have never experienced receiving it. My heart aches for them. I want to love them. I want to love you.
I want to feel safe, secure and to love and be loved. THAT is my mission. THAT is why I'm here. I am here, on this earth for YOU. If you need love, let me know. (And, I don't mean anything creepy, got it? Do NOT freak me out or I will let Sheila go and you do NOT want that. Promise.) If you need someone to talk to, listen, advice or a virtual hug, please let me know. I am honored to be of your service. I want to be a true servant leader in this LOVE Revolution this world so desperately needs and I don't believe it will start with the church. (Yet, it will come from God because He knows what it's like to sacrifice for all mankind, just like the "misfits" of this world.) I believe it will start with the broken.
So, here I am. Let it start with me. All who are damaged, forgotten, helpless, bullied, fear stricken, trampled on, bruised, beaten, mocked, hated, misunderstood and lost, come with me on this journey to make the world a better place. We can do it because WE know compassion. We know what it feels like to want to die and somehow manage to still be here every single day. We have the power to change things, so let's start now.
Keep standing strong and try to smile at someone you don't know! You never know how that can change someone's day.
So much love,
Jessica
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone who has a mental illness KNOWS that it's not fair. Heck, life isn't fair. Things happen beyond your control and you just have to sit in it and learn to live. How do I cope? Well... My body is made up of and held together by pure will and caffeine. Yep. 7/10 caffeine. That's why I drink so much coffee. I have to keep my levels up!
I just sit and look at it from other people's point of view and, if you don't have the "pleasure" of NOT seeing me on a bad day, (which I only show to those I truly love...) then I look like I am fine. You see me glaring at you because Sheila is near, smiling at you because Victoria is near, either smirking or staring at you, defiantly, if Jenna is there. Sasha is hard to spot, but she comes out when she feels safe and can be silly or has to protect the rest of us. And Jessie doesn't come out much because she hardly ever feels safe OR scared. She's shy and quiet. And then, there's me, at the heart of it all, standing there with a stupid look on my face because I have no idea how I feel.
I have lived on instinct my ENTIRE life. I do what I need to do to survive and that's that. I do not know HOW to be truly happy. It's sad, but I'm honestly happiest when I am alone. There's not so much pressure there. I can do what I want and be who I am without anybody thinking ANYTHING. I don't have to worry about hurting someone if there is nobody there to hurt, but myself. And, I can take it. I've been through the Seven Rings of Hell and I can handle anything life throws at me.
But, you start adding other people into the mix and, there goes everything. I never want to hurt another person. That is NOT how I do. But, it is how I have done. I know that. I have heard stories about myself that make my skin crawl. I have had blatant disrespect, at the very least, for other humans and that is SAD. But, know I did what I thought was right, in those situations, at the time.
Sometimes, I just wish God would take me out of this world. You see, I don't want to die. I just want to be dead. It seems like the easiest solution to a hard and fast problem. The only way, though, is if God were to take me out, Himself. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed for God to take me and that I was ready to go because this life is more than anyone should have to carry. I have found myself on many a floor, red and out of breath from all of the sobbing, wishing I would just leave this place.
After so many years, I know God has a plan. He must. It's not like I'm just floating around, accomplishing nothing. I must be here for a reason, right? Because, it seems to me that God wouldn't put me through all of this just to watch me squirm. He wouldn't just leave me down here to fall and be brutally hurt so many times, just to see me reach out for death. Yet, that is exactly what I have gotten from His "church". It's sad, really. The Bible tells us to LOVE. You will know Jesus's followers by their "judgement"? Nope. LOVE. You will know them by their LOVE.
Do you know how many times I reached out for love and got smacked down by a "Pastor"? One even threatened to rape me, as I was baring my soul to my friends. I was at my most vulnerable and he attacked. How do I deal with that? Well, I can tell you. I stopped going to church. It was the best decision I ever made. I started hanging out with the people who have been hurt, embarrassed, beaten down and harassed. That is where your true love lies, because these people know what it's like to be hurt, so they know compassion. They know how to truly love, though many of them have never experienced receiving it. My heart aches for them. I want to love them. I want to love you.
I want to feel safe, secure and to love and be loved. THAT is my mission. THAT is why I'm here. I am here, on this earth for YOU. If you need love, let me know. (And, I don't mean anything creepy, got it? Do NOT freak me out or I will let Sheila go and you do NOT want that. Promise.) If you need someone to talk to, listen, advice or a virtual hug, please let me know. I am honored to be of your service. I want to be a true servant leader in this LOVE Revolution this world so desperately needs and I don't believe it will start with the church. (Yet, it will come from God because He knows what it's like to sacrifice for all mankind, just like the "misfits" of this world.) I believe it will start with the broken.
So, here I am. Let it start with me. All who are damaged, forgotten, helpless, bullied, fear stricken, trampled on, bruised, beaten, mocked, hated, misunderstood and lost, come with me on this journey to make the world a better place. We can do it because WE know compassion. We know what it feels like to want to die and somehow manage to still be here every single day. We have the power to change things, so let's start now.
Keep standing strong and try to smile at someone you don't know! You never know how that can change someone's day.
So much love,
Jessica
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